


This is the Story of the Boys Who Loved You

by norgbelulah



Series: Did it Cruel, Did it Tenderly [2]
Category: Justified
Genre: Closeted, Grief, Homosexuality, Multi, Pre-Canon, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-19
Updated: 2011-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-20 13:47:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norgbelulah/pseuds/norgbelulah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“What I doubt is your ability to care for more than yourself and your interests when it comes down to—“</i></p><p><i>Boyd’s voice cuts through Raylan’s in a harsh whisper when he says, “I seem to remember you wanting to leave Harlan so bad you’d do just about anything, so don’t tell me what I cared for, Raylan. You have very little idea of--"</i></p><p>This is the story behind these words. This is the story of Raylan and Boyd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is the Story of the Boys Who Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Follows/Is a Prequel to [Who Loved You Now and Loved You Then](http://archiveofourown.org/works/210305)

“Just don’t forget to bring the ‘shine,” Boyd had said and then hung up.The click over the receiver felt like a tiny little jab, like Boyd didn’t think Raylan worth the effort of saying goodbye.He knew, he knew it wasn’t like that.Boyd just didn’t think.Not about things like that.

Boyd’s daddy was out of town.He and Bowman had free reign of their house over a weekend and it was no surprise to anyone what they were going to do.Bowman was still in high school, star running back and all, and he intended to have a kegger.Boyd just wanted to get drunk.

Raylan also had a sneaking suspicion he wanted Raylan there specifically because they would be able to sneak off and shack up together, if they played their cards right.Opportunities in Harlan for two boys, who didn’t want to get themselves beat or shot, to make time together were few and far between.

Raylan took three jars of shine from his daddy’s cabinet, figuring he might as well go for broke at this point, drove over to Boyd’s and entered the house with butterflies in his tummy and nerves jangling up and down his limbs.

When he saw Boyd, casually sipping a beer, chatting up a pretty cheerleader, a sophomore if Raylan remembered correctly, he reminded himself again that Boyd and he just didn’t think the same.Of course Boyd wouldn’t be nervous, he was Boyd fuckin’ Crowder.

It didn’t matter that they hadn’t actually had the opportunity to... have each other before that night.Boyd wouldn’t be worried about it, he’d just be excited.

Raylan saw Boyd see him from across the room and he steeled himself.He actively disliked the way Boyd treated him in company sometimes, especially when they were drinking.Some nights Boyd would completely ignore him, choosing to be friendly with other miners in the puddle, or other kids at the partySome other nights he’d call Raylan out on something, something stupid and petty.Once he called across a crowded room, saying, “Why you got to be so quiet all the time, Raylan?You too good to talk to us?”

The truth was, Raylan hated most of the people they associated with.Boyd seemed to like them well enough, so he stuck around.But of course, while participating in a charade such as this one, he couldn’t just tell the truth.SoRaylan replied that he had nothing to say, but if he did, he would say it.Boyd had just smiled at him like it was the most perfect of all responses then laughed and said, “Well, shit.Pardon me, then.”And the others laughed like they’d thought maybe there would be a fight.

 

Raylan understood what the idea was; they hadn’t really known each other too long, not having spent much time together in high school.They shouldn’t be as good friends as they were already.There was no way they could be inseparable; they’d only been working the same shift, same crew for three months.

But somehow, something crazy had happened.They’d just... clicked.

That single night drinking after their first shift, with one smile Raylan had felt himself undone.With one question, he’d found himself answering yes, without hesitation.With that first kiss, he’d raised so many questions to himself, and found just one certainty; he wanted Boyd Crowder for his own.

After that, Raylan spent half his time with Boyd wondering what the boy thought of him in return and the other half hoping he’d shut up about it.

Sometimes Boyd would tell Raylan something and smile like they both knew it was a lie.Except it wasn’t always a lie, sometimes it was something as simple as, “I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” or “God almighty, Raylan, it is hot today.”It drove Raylan up the wall.

Some other times he would make that same smile, like they both knew he was talking out his ass, but it was about them, about private things.He’d say, “Raylan, I don’t know if I can stand another minute without you inside me.”Never mind they hadn’t had the time nor place to do any such thing before, Boyd would just come out and say that in the changing room.He’d say it leaning against the lockers,with his lunch box in his hand, speaking low in Raylan’s ear.It made Raylan go hot around the neck and his fingers feel tingly, like they needed to hold on to something.

In the dark, in the car or well out in the woods, Boyd would ask Raylan to kiss him, then say, “Only you do it right, only you know what I like, Raylan.”Then he’d smile so sweet, you wouldn’t even have thought that other smile was a part of him.He’d say, “All that other stuff is just some fun, Raylan.Don’t take it so seriously.”

Later he would say things like, “I love you,” and Raylan would try to hide how pleased he was, and stammer out nothing in response.But he’d kiss Boyd harder after that, wanted him to feel it instead of hear it.He thought it would be better that way.He thought that would be enough.

Sometimes Raylan would try to lie, to see if Boyd could tell, but he’d say stupid things like, “I really hate you right now, Boyd.”And he would think he meant it, but Boyd would just laugh and tell him to shut the hell up.It was infuriating.

“Well, hello there, Raylan,” Boyd said, walking away from that girl without a second thought."You bring me that ‘shine I asked for?”

“You think I wouldn’t, seeing as you asked so nice?”

Boyd laughed and looked in the paper bag, coming up with a big grin.“You’ve outdone yourself here, my friend.”Then he shot Raylan a rare concerned look, “You sure your daddy’s gonna be okay with all this ‘shine gone?”

Raylanlooked away and replied quietly, “I’ll deal with it.When I have to.This is about tonight.I know you wanted it, so I got it for you.”

Boyd talked softly now too.“I just meant one, Raylan.”

Raylan wanted to touch him, badly, but he held off and tried to put that desire into his eyes.It was Boyd’s turn now to back off, he turned away slightly and leaned against the wall.Raylan didn’t move.“Other people’ll want it,” he said.“Can’t just be for us, right?”

Boyd’s lips thinned and he nodded.Bowman called then, from the other room, something about a problem with the hose on the keg.Boyd flashed Raylan the concern is his eyes before letting it slip away behind a mask of indifference and alcohol.He walked away without a second glance.

Raylan set the bag down on a free table and opened one of the jars of ‘shine.He took a swig and felt it burn on the way down.Raylan knew being with him wasn’t a picnic all the time either.

Sometimes he would think all he wanted in the world was a pile of fried chicken, a back porch to eat it on, a sixer to drink, and Boyd smiling at him.Other times, he wanted everything the world had to offer.He wanted to travel, he wanted to do anything other than pull shit out the ground to be burned into finer and finer grades of shit.He wanted to say he had done something with his life, wanted to fix things, solve problems, bury himself in anything other than coal.

Some days he felt he couldn’t stand being in Harlan another second, let alone long enough to save the money to leave.Those days he would pull away from Boyd, walk off in a sulk, angry at everything and unable to fix it.

Boyd said he understood, but Raylan didn’t think he did.They disagreed fundamentally about the matter.Boyd’s face when Raylan talked about leaving nearly always put him off the subject for a few weeks.Or until he grew restless again and so frustrated with it that he couldn’t talk about anything else.

That was when Boyd would listen, keep his hand on Raylan, on his arm or his shoulder, his neck or his face, looking away and not letting go.He would listen to Raylan talk about the different ways he could leave; join the service, go to college, mine somewhere else, or do something dangerous like oil drilling or logging, get a shit load of money and travel abroad.

Sometimes Boyd would pitch in, say “There’s good money in dope these days,” or “Daddy knows a guy in Florida, looking for men.”Raylan would glare at him, because they both knew how he felt about that shit, and Boyd would shut up again but he wouldn’t let go.

He’d look away and frown.Then he would dance his fingers across whatever part of Raylan’s skin he was touching until the stream of ideas flowed down into a trickle and they amused themselves in an entirely different fashion.

The party was not a rager and Raylan was glad of that.He spent most of the time playing pool in the basement, or leaning against the wall watching Boyd pretend like he was going to make out with a girl.Raylan felt a little bad, because the girl, Ceilie Hayes he thought her name was, looked pretty interested.So did Boyd, but Raylan knew that was a lie as well.

Eventually, Boyd got up, went to go talk to Johnny for a minute and never came within a foot of the girl again that night.She left in tears, a worried friend trailing behind her out the door.Raylan scowled at Boyd who passed by him minutes after her departure and murmured, “The casualties of war.”

How appropriate.Everything with Boyd was a small battle in a larger war over something.What exactly it was was still a mystery to Raylan.One of the grand mysteries of the universe it was, what drove Boyd Crowder to do the things he did.

“I think a better term would be collateral damage,” Raylan replied.“Wouldn’t an easier strategy be to convinceeveryone that girls just aren’t interested in you, instead of toying with ‘em like that?You’ll always walk away anyway.Isn’t that just as suspicious?”

Boyd looked at him hard, mad about being second guessed.“Will I, Raylan, always walk away?”

“I don’t know, Boyd.Will you?” Raylan set his jaw.

Boyd suddenly smiled uncertainly, maybe realizing they were about to fight and half the party was milling around them, preparing to go home.“Not tonight,” he said in a pleading tone.“I’m sorry, let’s please not--”

“Okay,” Raylan replied eagerly.He didn’t want to either.Not with their one opportunity so close.“Okay.”

They waited almost another half hour for everyone to clear out.Bowman had disappeared with some girl or other and Boyd was clearing away some trash while Raylan lounged around and finished off one of the jars of ‘shine.It had been passed around with the others for most of the night, some poured in plastic cups, others just taking sips here and there.Raylan had kept his eye on this one, even when he wasn’t drinking from it, so he knew it was okay.

He, always high of tolerance, was finally feeling a pretty good buzz.He got up and wandered over to where Boyd was, just closing the back door in the kitchen.He grinned at Boyd, feeling lips stretch out over his teeth easier than usual.

He saw Boyd notice his good humor and smile back.Boyd liked it when Raylan was loose like this, he said he liked it that Raylan would laugh louder, that he would tell more of his stupid jokes, that he tasted sweeter and breathed like he only had so many breaths left in him.

Raylan liked it that Boyd thought about it enough to list so many things he liked about it.He liked it when Boyd told him what he liked.

He put his hands on the counter, to steady his feet, and smiled at Boyd some more.Boyd looked at him like he hadn’t just been waiting all night, like he’d been waiting all year, all his life, and he couldn’t be more pleased.

“Now I get you all to myself,” Boyd said reaching out his hand and tugging on Raylan’s sleeve, pulling him towards the stairs.

“Why did you even come down to the party, Boyd, if you were just waiting for them all to leave?We coulda just snuck upstairs, spent all night together.”Raylan spoke musingly, not disappointed really, he’d just been thinking out loud.His feet sounded heavy, thudding after Boyd as they walked up.

“Appearances, Raylan,” Boyd said, like it was a simple fact.“To everyone else, we are who we present ourselves to be.That’s the one smart thing my daddy ever said to me.”

Raylan cocked a grin, twined his fingers through Boyd’s as they came down the hall.Boyd looked back at him with surprised pleasure in his eyes.

“I don’t know how I feel ‘bout takin’ advice from Bo Crowder,” Raylan said.He preferred to be who he said he was, who he wanted to be.Trouble was, sometimes his mind and his heart and his body said three different things.

But tonight, that ‘shine had put them all on the same single track.He wanted Boyd and he was gonna have him.

He felt a delicious heat churning in his stomach and up through his chest.It spurred him into pushing Boyd through the door of his room as his hand came around the handle.Raylan’s arms came around Boyd, catching at his hip and neck, crushing their bodies together.Boyd’s lips met Raylan’s with a little “oof,” noise of surprise and force, but he recovered quickly enough to kiss them swollen and blushing in no time at all.

“We have to be quiet,” Boyd said to Raylan’s lips.“Bowman--”

Raylan stuck his tongue in Boyd’s mouth, further and faster than before.He made Boyd groan and his hands clutch across Raylan’s back.“Bowman went into the basement with someone.They’re fucking on the couch or they’re passed out from my daddy’s ‘shine.No way they hear us up here.No matter what we do, Boyd.Isn’t this what you wanted? Let’s be fuckin’ loud.”

Boyd grinned, his teeth the only thing that was white in the dark of the room.“You are a goddamn miracle, Raylan Givens. What angel dropped you on this earth to sodomize me?”

Raylan was always surprised when Boyd spoke so casually about what he wanted, in such specific and vulgar terms.But right at that moment he was too excited to care much about what they said to each other.He just wanted to fuck Boyd.

“What devil dragged you up here to tempt me, Boyd?”Raylan whispered, as he pulled at Boyd’s belt, kissed at the line of his jaw.

“You givin’ in?”Boyd asked, dragging Raylan’s shirt over his head.

Raylan smiled, feeling it coming up from his toes.“What’s it look like to you?”Boyd loved asking obvious questions, and Raylan knew he loved answering them himself.

“It looks like I’m going to have your cock in my ass shortly.”

Raylan laughed.

He was drunk enough now that he wasn’t worrying too much about whether or not they would do it right the first time.He knew he was ready, he knew what to do.

They tumbled to the bed together, over tangled sheets and a quilt Boyd had told Raylan once that his mother had made.It was patchwork, little squares of denim and corduroy and calico cotton sewn together to make a whole.Boyd had said, that first time Raylan had been in his room, when Boyd’s daddy was just downstairs and the door was cracked open, it was the perfect metaphor for his mother’s life.But he hadn’t said anything more than that.And now they undressed each other wrapped in the well-worn softness of Boyd’s mother’s quilt.

Boyd usually liked to talk when they were making out, he liked to smile and pull away and tease Raylan endlessly.But tonight, he seemed more earnest.Maybe because they had almost fought before, maybe because this was a new step, a much more serious thing than they had done before.

Tonight Boyd looked at Raylan like he loved him, like he didn’t have to say the words.

Boyd leaned back and pulled a half empty bottle of baby oil from the dresser drawer.He handed it to Raylan and said, “Only because you said you wanted it.I’ll remind you I said you could do me raw.”

Raylan stared at Boyd, naked and splayed out in front of him.He thought back to when they had first talked about this, how cavalier Boyd had been, how unsure Raylan was.The realities of this kind of thing had not escaped their knowledge, despite the way it was looked upon by people.Both Raylan and Boyd’s daddies had done time at one point or another.It was just something you learned about.

The last time Boyd had used the word “raw” in a conversation about this, Raylan had hissed, “Fuck no,” and stalked away.

But tonight he looked at Boyd real hard, could see now that the reason he said Raylan could do it that way was because it was the way he wanted it done.But he said, “Not tonight, Boyd.Not the first time,” and poured the oil over his fingers.

Boyd smirked, hiding disappointment.“I thought you wanted to be loud?”

Raylan leaned over him, using one hand to push Boyd flat on the bed at his shoulder while the other, oil-slick, hovered around Boyd’s upturned backside.“Who said I still won’t make you yell?”

Boyd’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open just a little bit.Raylan took the opportunity to kiss him again, deep, and spread Boyd apart beneath him with one then two fingers.Boyd lifted his legs up and wide and made this noise at the same time, like he couldn’t wait.

Raylan thought he would say something, goad him on like always, but again Boyd was strangely silent under his touch.It made him feel powerful and he smiled.Boyd was screwing his eyes shut, taking in air in little gasps.Raylan made a grab for Boyd’s cock, which was already hard, pumped it once and withdrew his fingers.

Boyd let out a whine and it took a moment for Raylan to realize it was his own name.

He gave Boyd what it was he wanted, easing himself in slowly.He’d been concentrating so hard on Boyd that the sensation, the tightness, took him off guard and he groaned loudly.It took him a moment to settle and then he began to move.Boyd’s hands were fisted in the quilt beneath them and Raylan’s were clamped onto Boyd’s shins as he moved inside him, in and out, like breathing.

Finally Boyd spoke, his words heavy and hot, “Come on, Raylan.You know what I want.Come on.”

Raylan smiled wickedly, slowing his pace and Boyd whimpered.“I know,” Raylan said, leaning in and cupping Boyd’s face with his hand.Boyd looked at him, his eyes wild, and pupils blown.“Who knows what you like, Boyd?Come on.Tell me.”

When Boyd answered, “Only you,” then and only then did Raylan let himself loose.

He pounded into him fast and hard and Boyd’s back arched up with his cock, straining with the force of it.Raylan felt it too, all up and down his body, riding up from his middle and into his head.He was fairly sure he didn’t have control over his mouth when he heard himself grind out, “Tell me again.”

Boyd’s answer was a barely intelligible scream as he came all over himself.One last thrust and the sight of Boyd wrecked and come-covered underneath him brought Raylan there too.It ripped through him, he saw stars and his hands dug into Boyd’s legs, his own lost all their strength.

He felt Boyd’s hands come up his arms as he pulled himself out, dripping come. He fell forward into Boyd’s arms.It was sweaty and messy, but he didn’t care.All he saw was Boyd’s stupid grin until he pressed his forehead into Boyd’s chest and felt those hands drawing themselves up into his hair.

“Only you, Raylan,” Boyd whispered with their bodies pressed together, legs entangled.

And Raylan loved him, but knew he could never say it.The only thing he could do was give Boyd what he liked, what he wanted.It would have to be enough.

~#--#~

“Boyd you know Ava, right?”Raylan asked with a polite smile.Boyd saw the strain in it and glanced at the girl sitting next to him, calmly licking at her Popsicle.Raylan had one too, his going melty at the stick, getting liquid orange sugar all over his hand.

Boyd had found them sitting on the Givens’ front porch together, as he rounded the drive, his mind everywhere else but on the possibility Raylan wouldn’t be alone when he arrived.

Boyd did know Ava, or had heard tell of her.But he smiled like he hadn’t and Raylan continued, “Ava’s gran’s inside.They live down the hill and she visits sometimes with my mama.Talk about ‘old times,’ I guess,” and Raylan made a face.

Boyd got the picture.“So, you two are relegated to the kids table with your Popsicles on the porch,” he finished bluntly and Raylan rolled his eyes at him.

“I don’t mind too much,” little Ava piped in.“It’s nice out here.Our porch ain’t got half such a nice view.”

Raylan smiled politely again, and looked away when Ava’s little tongue swiped around that Popsicle. Boyd barely stopped himself from smirking, knowing just what it was about the view that got her so excited.

Just the other day, Bowman had been complaining that this little thing was the prettiest girl in the goddamn county, and his biology lab partner, but it was common knowledge that she wouldn’t put out for anyone.Apparently, unsubstantiated rumor was, she was holding a torch for some boy who’d graduated a few years before.

Boyd knew with certainty now that Raylan was that boy.

He thought perhaps he should feel jealous.He knew that just a day ago, he probably would have.A few conversations he’d had recently, however, had changed things for him.Yes, things had changed dramatically, thanks to Helen and his daddy.

“Your brother Bowman’s my bio lab partner,” Ava said conversationally.“What are you doing here?”

Boyd almost snorted, like the girl had any right to ask.

Raylan smiled his tight smile again, this time the one he used when he was lying about what was between them.“Boyd and I work together at the mine.We’re friends.”Raylan looked at him then, and his smile turned conspiratory.He didn’t like to admit he found the lying fun sometimes, but Boyd knew.

One time, despite his emphatic denial later, Raylan had spun and entire completely fabricated yarn about the reason Boyd had missed a day of work, and why he even knew anything about it.It had been something about food poisoning at a restaurant in Corbin to which they had both taken dates and accidentally run into each other.Raylan hadn’t gotten poisoned himself because he wasn’t partial to fish, or so the story went.

Boyd wet his lips, suddenly noticing the heat of the day, thinking of the real reason he’d taken off work.

The night before Raylan made up his elaborate lies, Boyd’s family had gone to the cabin to hunt without him, and Boyd had been in the middle of giving a very good piece of head.

Raylan was on his way, Boyd knew the signs.He’d had his back arched, moaning just a little, quiet like always.But suddenly he’d pushed up from the bed, pulled Boyd off his cock, and looked him in the eye.There was a strange look in his eye, half-way between angry and upset.

“What’s wrong?”Boyd had asked, refusing to wipe the spittle off his lips.

Raylan huffed and set his jaw. “You’re always talking about doing it raw?Come up here,” he said, pulling at Boyd by his arm, “We’re gonna do it raw tonight.”

Boyd’s jaw dropped.“Raylan,” he said haltingly, trying not to make it seem like he wasn’t pulling away, except he knew they needed to talk.“I didn’t ask,” he hadn’t, not recently anyway.“Raylan, just, why tonight?I don’t think--”

“Shut up,” Raylan interrupted.He pushed Boyd, who kept himself pliant, on his hands and knees on the bed.“You want it this way, we can do it this way.”

Boyd knew Raylan didn’t like the idea of this.Never had.Something had happened to make him decide to do it.Boyd couldn’t think of a way to ask without making Raylan more upset.“We don’t have to do it tonight,” he said.Raylan pulled Boyd’s underwear down and away in an efficient motion, too swift to be sensual.

Raylan leaned forward and whispered brutally into Boyd’s ear.His cock was still hard from before, pressing up into Boyd, spreading a trail of pre-come on his backside.“Now or never, Crowder.You want to back out?”

Boyd shook his head.He was scared--no, concerned-- for Raylan, but he did want it.He wanted it badly.Just the thought sent heat all through Boyd, and Raylan’s hands, dry and hot across his ass sent his head spinning.“No,” he groaned.

Raylan rode him hard.

It was excruciating, tearing and straining, it was sharp, it was real.It was everything he’d wanted.All through it, Raylan had asked him, “Do you want me to stop?”As if Boyd would be able to force anything but the most guttural of denials through his lips.

It took a long time and the reality of it was rougher than Boyd had anticipated.Finally, as Boyd realized Raylan was almost there, his hand reached around and grasped Boyd’s cock, almost jerking it.They came at about the same time, Boyd thought.However, he wasn’t entirely sure.

He felt drained completely, extremely sore but satisfied in a way he had never been before.He blinked drowsily at Raylan and smiled, as they lay side by side, too exhausted to spoon.He smiled until he remembered his concern from before.

“Raylan,” Boyd repeated.“What’s wrong?”

Thankfully, Raylan didn’t try to pretend that something didn’t have to be wrong in order for what they’d just done to have been done.He did try to roll away, but Boyd caught his arm, holding on tight despite his tiredness.

“My mama’s in the hospital,” Raylan spoke quietly to the ceiling, barely straining against Boyd’s hold.“He broke her arm.I was at work.”

“Yesterday?”Boyd asked, hoping he could keep most of the horror from his expression.

Rayalan nodded, closing his eyes.“I wanted to... do something.I wanted to not think about it.”

Boyd pulled again on Raylan’s arm, drawing him closer, and Raylan let himself be drawn.He wrapped one arm around Boyd’s hip.“Did you?”Boyd said softly.

“For a little while.”

Boyd thought about Raylan’s mother, sitting inside with Ava’s gran, cradling her arm in her sling and putting on a brave face.He thought about it and hated the idea of Raylan thinking about it, pressing down on his guilt that he hadn’t been there to stop it.

Raylan was looking at him, surely wondering what Boyd was doing there.They were supposed to see each other at Hank Lockhart’s house party and not before.They had made a plan, but things had changed and Boyd had a plan of his own.Except, with Ava there, Boyd couldn’t implement that plan and he certainly couldn’t just come out and tell Raylan he was there to pick a fight.

The day before, Boyd had been pumping gas into his pickup at the station outside of town when Raylan’s Aunt Helen pulled up alongside him.She parked and climbed out of her vehicle, Boyd paid little mind, thinking she would just go on inside for cigarettes.

Instead, she approached him. “You and I need to talk, Boyd,” she said tensely.“Walk with me a minute.”

Boyd looked around.He was still pumping his gas and there wasn’t really anywhere to walk besides along the state road.“Excuse me, ma’am?”

Helen gave him an exasperated sigh and pulled him by the arm, away from his truck and towards the busy road.Cars rushed past them and Helen eyed him warily.“I need you to do something for me, Boyd.”

The look in her eyes was giving Boyd a real scare.He knew this woman.Raylan had taken him around to her house a lot in the past few months.There, Raylan said he felt more like himself than anywhere else.They’d eaten with her, they’d gone to a party or two, they’d stayed the night when she was out with friends.He’d never seen this expression on Helen’s face before.

“What can I do, Helen?”He asked with the utmost sincerity.

He wasn’t expecting the answer she would give.

“I need you to convince Raylan to leave Harlan.”She twisted her mouth, setting it already against his questions, his denials.She was adamant.

“What?”Boyd was still processing her words and all their implications.“I don’t understand.”

But she was talking like he did.Like they’d been conferring about it for weeks.“I don’t care if you go with him, son,” she pointed at him like Raylan did, when they thought you weren’t paying attention.“If Raylan doesn’t get the hell out of this town soon, those two are going to kill each other.I gave him that goddamn money and all he’s done is sat on it.He won’t go without a push.So I want you to do something about it, Boyd.”

Boyd hadn’t heard anything about any money.But he knew what she meant by “those two.”He knew better than most people in Harlan what went on in the Givens’ home, but Helen shouldn’t have known that.They’d been so careful.

Boyd’s hands fell down to his side, palms open.“What do you want me to do, Helen?How could I have the ability to sway Raylan any more than you?”

She put her hands on her hips and looked at him.“Oh, come off it, Boyd.Not everyone in this town is an idiot with a pecker.It don’t matter to me what you boys have done to each other, but I see how you look.I watch you.You didn’t want me to know, you shouldn’t’ve come around so much.”

Boyd pursed his lips, feeling a spike of fear at every word she’d uttered.He couldn’t help it.

“Calm down, boy,” she said, adopting a softer tone.“I ain’t gonna tell anybody.I sure as hell don’t want you both dead.Just do as I tell you.”

“Do what?”Boyd asked desperately.“How?”

Helen smiled sadly at him.“You’re a sharp one, Boyd.Get creative.”

He’d hated her after that and had been determined to ignore what she said.Boyd could deal with Raylan.If they had to fuck every time Raylan needed to not think about what was going on in that house, if they had to beat each other bloody to keep him from killing his father, Boyd knew they could do it. Boyd would let Raylan deal with it on his own, but it certainly didn’t mean he had to leave.

But then something else had happened, something Boyd hadn’t expected.

Boyd’s daddy had plans for him.He’d discovered this very slowly over the course of the past few months.These plans required that Bo watch him real carefully, in an attempt to discern if Boyd would fulfill them properly.He’d discovered this fact that very morning when his daddy asked him why he didn’t have any steady girlfriends.

Now Boyd couldn’t give two shits about what his daddy wanted for him.What he did care about was Bo watching him close enough that he could figure out what was going on between himself and Raylan.They had been fighting enough lately that maybe the real truth had escaped notice.But the fact that Boyd didn’t sleep with girls apparently had not.

Boyd knew he had to do something about it.He had to get fucking creative.

Boyd smiled at Raylan and Ava, but he drew it too broad.Raylan would know something was wrong, and maybe that was what he needed.

“Well,” he said, “it was nice to meet you, Ava, but I have to be going.”He flicked a glance at Raylan, not significant, but quick, like he was angry.“Raylan,” he murmured and walked away.

He knew Raylan couldn’t call after him.It would do just as well as the words he’d rehearsed could have.He could still get Raylan out, he could still save him.

Boyd had had girls before.He’d stuck his thirteen year-old cock inside one of the girls at Audrey’s for the first time on a summer night at Johnny’s behest and on his dollar.Boyd had never paid for an orgasm in his life, but he had been gifted whores a few times after that, and he’d taken girls out through high school.Not all of those girls put out, but some of them did and Boyd didn’t mind it, he’d gotten good at it too.He’d even thought he was in love with a barmaid in Cumberland two years before, but he never got the chance to fuck her because she had a boyfriend and a conscience, then she got knocked up and married.Boyd took up with Raylan a few months after that anyway.

He realized then that he hadn’t known what love was and he was smart enough now to wonder if he did even with Raylan.

So, it wasn’t that Boyd didn’t like girls.It was just that right now he liked Raylan more.He liked Raylan so much more, in fact, that he was willing to ruin everything between them for him, for his sake.

That was why Boyd took Celie Hayes upstairs at the party later that evening.That was why he told Johnny to find Raylan in ten minutes and tell him that Boyd wanted him upstairs.That was why he smiled at Celie and played with her hair, kissed her softly, then desperately and said he’d been waiting so long to have her.That was why, when he pushed her onto the bed, he put her on her stomach and he faced her towards the door.

He asked her if she liked it from behind and he smiled when she said she didn’t care, she just wanted him to fuck her.He thought fleetingly that if Raylan hadn’t walked so thoroughly through his life, he might have had a different one with this little piece.He thought that as his cock slid inside her and she moaned.After that he watched the door, barely listening to her noises under him.

Boyd heard footsteps outside the cracked door and finally groaned into the girl’s shoulder.He heard Raylan stop at the sound, an indrawn breath.Boyd looked up and saw Raylan in the doorway, the hinges creaking as he opened it wider.He was staring at the scene before him like he didn’t quite understand what was happening.

Celie was at the cusp, just about to clamp around him, but Boyd was looking right at Raylan, thrusting hard into her cunt, hard and fast and merciless.He plastered a vindictive smile on his face and he saw Raylan register it, his mouth falling open in anger and hurt and confusion.

“What?”Raylan said, “Why?”

Boyd just smiled, cruelly, and replied, “Get out.”

Raylan’s expression hardened, but there was some sort of understanding there, an acceptance that Boyd didn’t know what to do with.“Fuck you, Boyd,” Raylan said and turned away.

“Who was that?”The girl asked.“Why are you slowin’ down?”

Boyd put his attention back onto the task at hand, he wrapped a hand around her chest as squeezed her tit, trying to relish this one aspect of fucking he’d missed for so long.“No one.Just shut up and come, Celie,” he said.

She did, very thoroughly just a few minutes later.Boyd pulled out of her and came into his hand.She was too drunk and too wrecked to notice.She all but collapsed at the foot of the bed, passing out with one arm over the side, hand grazing the floor.Boyd leaned himself back against the headboard.He drank nearly a half handle of Jack Daniels and watched her sleep.

By daybreak he couldn’t stand the sight of her face any longer.

He felt the hate rise up inside him, threatening to consume everything he saw.This feeling frightened Boyd, more than he cared to admit.He hadn’t anticipated what his own reaction would be to what he had done.

He left the bed and the girl, heartlessly by herself.He couldn’t bring himself to be sorry.Boyd was too used to doing what he had to now, what felt necessary.He padded down the stairs and out the front door of this unfamiliar house.He was glad he could see no reason he’d ever have to go back there.

He almost missed Raylan’s pick up in the drive as he passed it.He didn’t miss Raylan himself, dozing against the steering wheel.He wanted to walk by, he wanted to leave it at that, but he stopped.

He stared at this boy, the one he’d thought countless times too good, too beautiful for this place, these people he was surrounded by.Boyd included himself among them, him with his indifferent nature and his complete lack of scruples.Raylan had been more of a conscience for him lately than he had ever produced on his own.

Boyd stared long enough that Raylan stirred from his fitful, uncomfortable sleep and looked at him.He looked tired, worn, beaten.Boyd hated himself.

Raylan got out of his truck and, for some reason, Boyd couldn’t make his legs move.

“I know you’re tryin’ to drive me away, Boyd,” he said, his voice quiet, intense.It reminded Boyd of when they fucked, it was intimate.“It won’t work.”

Boyd’s heart sank, his body almost rebelled.How could he do more than he had done already?How could he make Raylan see without knowing the truth?He didn’t know anymore.

But he smiled, like before.He smiled like he was still fucking Celie and said, “Contrary to your so very mature opinion, Raylan, not everything in this world revolves around you.I’m doing what I have to.”

Raylan raised his brows.“What you have to?What about any of this is what you have to do, Boyd?”

Boyd ground his teeth.He couldn’t say, Helen didn’t tell him not to, but Raylan wouldn’t go if he thought he was being manipulated.He would bear down.He would stay forever because someone thought he couldn’t do it.“It’s my business,” Boyd said.

Raylan cocked his head, and somehow made it a violent motion, like he had to swing it to make sense of what Boyd was saying to him.“Is this about people thinking you’re queer?You have to fuck girls so they think you like fucking girls?”

“I do like fucking girls, Raylan.”

“Well, so do I, Boyd.If you want to fuck girls too, I don’t really give a shit.Just don’t invite me, all right?”Boyd couldn’t believe what Raylan was doing, trying to shrug it off, make it seem like it wasn’t anything that mattered.They both knew better, but up until now, at this point in an argument they both would have backed off.Boyd knew he couldn’t do that now.

“She was a better fuck,” Boyd said flatly, inelegantly.“I’m tired of taking it.I’m tired of you.”

Raylan recoiled, like the words had been a real blow.“Since when,” he hissed.

Boyd forced himself to sneer.“Since you talk more about leaving than you do about staying and being with me, asshole.If your mind is gonna be elsewhere, Raylan, I’d rather have your cock anywhere but inside of me.Now, why don’t you just get the fuck out?”

Raylan’s jaw snapped shut audibly and he took a step backwards.“And that’s it, then?That’s all you’re going to say?”

Boyd licked his lips, and he tried not to sway.He’d ignored how drunk he was until just now, when his strength was faltering, when all he wanted to do was tell Raylan it was lies, when it was on the tip of his tongue that, yes, he would go too.

But Boyd couldn’t be a fag in some far away northern city, or try to eke out some secret existence anywhere else.He couldn’t see a future with Raylan and he knew what Raylan really needed was a goddamn future.“I think that’s all I have to say, Raylan.”

It was all he could say and not damn himself for a liar twice over.

“Fine, Boyd,” Raylan growled.“Just… fuckin’ fine.You won’t see me again.”And he got into his pick-up, revved it hard and drove away.Out for good.

As Raylan pulled away, leaving him behind, skidding out and showering gravel into the grass, Boyd doubled over and vomited up all that Jack into the dirt. His head bent painfully with every retch.It wracked his body and his soul.It spilled brown and red and dark all over the ground in front of him.

It wasn’t catharsis.Boyd wished it was, but he felt something hard replacing this bile, replacing the lies he’d told and the secrets he’d kept for Raylan.He felt it roil inside him, hateful and terrifying, and he didn’t know how to stop it.

A few minutes later he went back inside, woke Celie and fucked her again.He didn’t speak to her once after that day and two weeks later he joined the army.He thought if Raylan didn’t look back then neither would he.

It didn’t work out so well for him.

Twenty years and a thousand more significant events passed between Raylan and Boyd and somehow, Boyd’s feelings had barely changed.Everything else about his life had transformed in some momentous way, yet Boyd still found himself willing to move heaven and earth for Raylan.

He’d been willing to do a fair amount the previous night in service of easing Raylan’s pain, and he’d been so fortunate that Ava felt the same way when the grieving lawman had darkened her door.His beautiful Ava, who’d had more than her fair share of trouble on account of both of them, and still found room to love.

In the quiet of the Givens’ home, as Helen’s funeral had just ended, Boyd saw Raylan return to the house and felt that need again, just as powerful as before to give Raylan some kind of relief.He’d thought Raylan had gone, half-dragging his pretty ex-wife to the car as she tried to say polite goodbyes.But here he was, marching straight for the side-board and the bottle of bourbon.

Ava looked at Raylan wide-eyed from beside him.“Do you think something happened?I heard someone say a State Police car had pulled up.”

Boyd did not take his eyes from Raylan, who had already drunk half his three fingers.“It’s something about Dickie,” he murmured.He knew it was.“I’d imagine Mags got him out.Hell,” Boyd swore, and he never swore lightly.

Winona was coming in now, heading straight for Raylan and Boyd was silently grateful.But before she could pull him away, Arlo wandered over to the pair and said loudly, “Wonderful idea, son.A round in honor of Helen.She’da loved it.”

Raylan’s expression was murderous.If there had perhaps been about three or four people fewer in the room, Winona included, Boyd wouldn’t have been sure what Raylan might have done.But Raylan grimaced, stretching it after a moment into a polite smile.“Sure, Arlo.”It was appeasement, not agreement, and Boyd saw that Arlo understood that.

Glasses were passed around and the general trite sentiments were expressed by most.Ava said something short and amusing about firearms and Winona intriguingly demurred from the entire charade.Boyd himself, conscious that few knew the extent of his relationship with Helen, said simply that she was a beautiful woman and knew how to care for her own.

After they had gone around, most everyone’s drinks were empty and many had drifted towards the door.Boyd heard Raylan say quietly to Winona, “We have to leave, now.Before he cooks up anything else to keep me here.”

Winona rolled her eyes and said they’d stayed long enough now that she had to use the restroom.As she walked away, Boyd took a chance, gambling on the fact that if he could hear Raylan’s conversation, Raylan could hear the one he was about to have with Ava.

Boyd turned to his girl, his beautiful woman, and touched her elbow.She smiled sadly at him, nursing her drink.“Did you want to head out?”

Boyd ignored her question.“Did you know, the first time I laid eyes on you was out there, on that very porch?”

He saw Raylan stiffen at the edge of his sight, remembering that day.Boyd smiled and Ava cocked her head.“You never seen me before that?Just, around town?”She asked.

“Not that I can remember,” Boyd shook his head.“That day… was the day I ended it with Raylan, whatever it was that we were doing.”

Both Ava and Raylan now stood stalk still, staring at Boyd.Ava recovered first.“I hope you’re not saying you did it because of me,” she lowered her voice.

Boyd glanced at Raylan, showing him he knew what he was doing, to whom he was really speaking.“No, I did it because Helen asked me to.”

The click of smart heels approached again and Winona set a hand on Raylan’s arm.“You ready?”She asked casually.

Raylan’s eyes were riveted to Boyd’s, dark and intense, so much like the previous night that Boyd forced himself to swallow a sudden dryness in his throat.Ava had taken a step away, understanding perfectly, and Boyd loved her all the more.

“Raylan,” Winona said, quieter now, “are you all right?”

But he ignored her question and spoke directly to Boyd.His voice was low and intense, so very like how it sounded in the dark, “Tell her whatever else you want, Boyd.After… all that, it hardly matters.”There was an edge of exhaustion to those words that threatened to rend Boyd in two.“And,” he seemed to add as an afterthought, “I wouldn’t have thought, but you two are good together.”And finally, there was that smile, smaller and softer, but there and so very Raylan.

He took his ex-wife by the waist and walked away before Boyd could think of a thing to say.Raylan Givens walked out one more time, but Boyd knew they’d see each other again.


End file.
